


You Came Back For Me

by orphan_account



Series: After Eros [2]
Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Blowjobs, Ghost!Miller, Implied/Referenced Major Character Death, M/M, alien dick, because why not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:00:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22872886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Holden sees Miller again. He’s not sure how to feel.
Relationships: Jim Holden/Joe Miller
Series: After Eros [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1644199
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	You Came Back For Me

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally wrote that sequel. It doesn’t really wrap up any of Holden’s feelings but it does have glowy blue alien cock so enjoy that.

Holden sat awake in his cot, staring at the tall, thin, shadowy figure in the corner of his quarters. He’d barely slept since the thing had arrived. His mind refused to accept what it was, but Holden somehow had the feeling that his mind was what had created this thing. It had spoken to him, and he’d listened. Nonsense, or at least nonsense to his ears, but a part of him took comfort in hearing it speak. The thing had a comforting voice, comforting only because of its familiarity and certainly not because of how it sounded. Of course, that wasn’t exactly the kind of voice that could lull any sane person to sleep, and Holden was evidently still sane enough that that applied to him.

“Shut up, Miller,” he growled under his breath. It was the first time he’d spoken directly to the thing, convinced it wouldn’t listen to him. To his surprise, the thing briefly ceased its ramblings and, judging by the way the shadow of its hat shifted, turned to look at Holden.

“No need to be rude,” the apparition replied. “I’m just trying to help you. Gotta find that next clue, you hear? Gotta keep looking.”

“So you are talking to me and not just to yourself.” Holden kept his voice down, terrified that his crewmates would hear him talking to no one in the middle of the night.

“I’ve been talking to you the whole time, kid.”

“Miller,” Holden repeated. “You’re Miller.”

“I am and I’m not. Miller’s dead. But I’m pretty sure I’m here too.”

“I’ve lost my fucking mind.”

“You might have. Seen anything other than me? Getting’ any nightmares, visions of the future, all that shit?”

“Uhhh… some protomolecule-related nightmares. Flashbacks. You’re the most vivid though.”

“You’ll get those,” Miller shrugged. Like it wasn’t a big deal. Just a fact of life.

“I’ve been getting them since Eros. They’re awful.”

“Well, get used to it. It sticks with you.”

“You said something to me, before you died. About the first time you shot someone. You said it stayed with you. It changed you. This is like that?”

“It’s not unlike it. You ever get jumpy? You ever see something that gives you the shakes? Chills you right down to the bones, like your skeleton’s about to jump out of your body, like you’re gonna throw up or pass out or piss your pants or maybe all three at once. And then someone taps you on the shoulder, and you realise it’s nothing.”

“Uhh… maybe.”

“Funny how these things work out, huh. Counting me, I’d say it’s a fair bet that more than half your crew’s just waiting for that little push to make them jump out of their skin.”

“I’m not counting you as my crew.”

“Still. You got that big guy in the next room. Just that little push, you hit the wrong button and he’s ready to crack skulls. You and I got that same button, you know. Just does different things when you press it.”

“You’re saying someone pushed my button, and now I’m seeing things.”

“Nah, kid. This is all real. But it’s keeping you up at night, isn’t it? What are you so afraid of?”

“I’m afraid that I’m talking to a dead guy, and I think he’s trying to explain the concept of trauma to me in one of the weirdest ways I’ve ever heard, and I don’t know what the fuck is going on or why and you keep saying it’s real but I have no reason to trust you.”

“You’re afraid of being wrong. You’re afraid that you can’t make decisions based on what you’ve seen because you can’t trust that.”

“You’re saying what I saw on Eros did that to me?”

“No. Different point, same idea. You think you’re crazy because you sort of are.”

“Wow. That’s _really_ insightful.” Holden rolled his eyes.

“Do you want my help or not?”

“I don’t know what you’re trying to help me with. And I don’t think I want your help, considering I’m fucking hallucinating right now and I really need to sleep.”

“Truth is, Holden. You’re crazy. But you’re right. You do stupid things, but you have good ideas. You can’t trust your judgment, but you can trust your instincts.”

“What do you mean? What am I right about?”

“You’re wrong about one thing though, and that’s that you’re not fucking hallucinating.”

“That’s impossible. I… I need to sleep. Leave me alone.”

“You think I could do that if I was a hallucination?”

“Fine. Prove you’re not one by letting me fucking sleep.” Holden rolled over in his bed, face-down into his pillow, sheet pulled around himself. Miller shut up for a few seconds, and Holden felt himself sinking into sleep for the first time since he’d started talking. He’d never felt anything so comforting in his life than that brief slipping into unconsciousness.

Then he felt a hand against his head, cold and unnatural in an indescribable but not entirely unsettling way. Long fingers threaded themselves through his hair, moving gently back and forth, sending a chill up Holden’s spine. There was no mistaking that it was real. 

“Naomi?” he muttered, not truly believing it, because the idea that his crewmate had walked in to watch him sleep and he hadn’t heard the door open was more comforting than the idea that he wasn’t only seeing things, but feeling them too.

“Still me, kiddo,” Miller whispered back. “Just making sure you don’t have any nightmares.”

“Oh my god, I’m literally having a nightmare right now. This is my worst nightmare. I’m going to have to fly this ship into the nearest port and get myself into a clinic for a psych evaluation. And in order to do that, I’m gonna have to explain to my pilot and probably the rest of my crew that we’re turning this ship around because I’m hallucinating a dead guy. So unless you can prove to me that somehow you aren’t a hallucination, would you kindly get the fuck away from me?”

“I thought touching you would prove that.”

“Just means I’m more crazy,” Holden said, shaking his head.

“I’ll tell you about myself,” Miller suggested. “Things you’d have no way of knowing.”

“How do I know I’m not making them up?”

“I don’t know. Ask me something.”

“Julie.”

“That’s… not a question.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Evidence one for me not being in your head, I’ve got no clue what you mean. But if you’ve got a real question, by all means ask.”

“Did you… do things with her? On Eros?”

“Nothing more scandalous than holding hands. Why, what’d you think I did?”

Holden breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that at least Miller hadn’t kissed her. If he hadn’t kissed Julie, that meant his problem might not have been with Holden. Maybe Miller just didn’t like kissing.

“Why not?”

“I mean, she was awake in there. You don’t exactly tell a guy you just met he’s free to kiss you.”

“You would’ve if she was asleep?”

“Dead. Maybe if she was dead. Not in a weird way, but I’m dying anyway. May as well kiss the girl I loved.”

“You don’t like kissing, do you.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I mean, with me, you just did it once. And you told me it didn’t really count.”

“See, that wasn’t exactly the kissing kind of relationship, was it?”

“But it felt so good. When you kissed me, I… I never wanted to stop feeling that.”

“Then you should’ve said something,” Miller chastised. He worked his fingers through Holden’s hair, and Holden opened his mouth as if expecting something to be placed inside it. It was embarrassing, how much he’d gotten used to having Miller use him. How much he still remembered the motions even after more than a year of his absence.

“Kiss me,” Holden whispered.

“Why would I kiss you?”

“Because you’re in my head. If I want you to kiss me you should kiss me.”

“Not how hallucinations work, buddy. Believe me, I wish they did. Would’ve made my life a lot nicer.”

“Great. Even while I’m losing my mind I can still take comfort in the knowledge that you were crazier than me.”

“You’re far from losing your mind. If you lost your mind, you wouldn’t have the sense to know it.”

“So you’re not a hallucination.”

“I’m as real as anything.”

“Then kiss me.”

Miller sighed, knelt next to Holden’s bed, pulled him in closer by his dark, curly hair, and kissed him quickly on the lips. Holden rolled back over and let out a sob of frustration, pulling away from Miller’s touch in the process.

“Not as good as you expected?”

“This shouldn’t be happening. You’re dead. You’re gone.”

“I’m here, baby.” Miller laced his fingers into Holden’s hair again. It felt subtly controlling. Holden swallowed hard. That had never felt controlling before, but now it had a thick air of dominance to it.

“What are you going to do to me?” Holden said softly.

“No, no, you’ve got me all wrong. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Is it enough to say that I missed you?”

“You missed my mouth on your cock, is that it? You’re too ashamed to ask the real love of your life to suck you off, so you came back to your old fucktoy?”

“You want me to tell you you were more than that to me? That I came back because I secretly loved you?”

“Did you?”

“Oh, Jimmy…” Miller cocked his head to the side, a pitying look on his face. “You really are fucking clueless, you know that?”

“Is that a yes or a no?” Holden knew he sounded pitiful, his voice breaking into something resembling whines.

“I mean, I do love your mouth on my cock. And I know you love it too.”

Holden stared at him sadly. He wanted to scream, he wanted to run, he wanted to be as far away from this thing as possible, whether it was Miller or not. But he didn’t do anything. He just lied there, letting Miller run his long, bony fingers through his hair. There was a sense of dread emanating off the dead man, filling the room and silently choking Holden like a gas leak. A tear dripped down his cheek, and then another. Miller wiped them away with the back of his hand. Holden couldn’t be sure if he really did that, or if he was even crying at all.

“I’m scared,” Holden whispered.

“You probably should be,” Miller replied.

“I don’t want to be scared.”

“What do you want?”

Holden rubbed his own eyes. They were damp, so he was reasonably sure he’d actually been crying.

“Can you get in bed with me?”

“Why?”

“I think… I think if I closed my eyes, and you wrapped your arms around me, and you stayed very quiet, I think I would feel safe enough to sleep.”

“I suppose I can try,” Miller agreed. Holden slid to the side in bed until he was against the wall, and Miller crawled in next to him. He didn’t feel warm, but Holden’s brain wasn’t sure whether or not that was weird. Holden could feel Miller’s body pressing against his own, clothed body against Holden’s bare flesh. He wondered if those were really clothes or if they were just a part of the being’s form.

“Can you take your clothes off?” he asked before he could think about what he was saying.

“Shit, Jim, you really up for that right now?”

“I just… wanted to know if you could. That’s all.”

“Question still stands,” Miller shrugged, tugging on his shirt buttons.

“God, Miller, I’m so tired,” Holden sighed. “But I’ve missed you so much. How fucking stupid is that?”

“I don’t think any of that is stupid. You’ve been up for what, thirty straight hours? And I think it’s fair to say I’ve got a half-decent cock. Whether or not you wanna suck it before going to bed is up to you, though.”

“I… god dammit, I feel like a whore. I didn’t want to do this.”

“But you do now.”

Holden nodded sadly.

“Don’t feel like I’m forcing you or anything. You want it, you can have it, but if you don’t I ain’t gonna ask for it.”

Holden swallowed nervously. He reached down slowly, carefully, tracing his hand over Miller’s stomach before cupping his dick. It was unmistakably hard.

“How…” Holden muttered.

“Protomolecule, kid. This thing moves full-size asteroids like pebbles, I’m sure it has no problem getting my dick up.”

“That’s not the same thing. You’re a ghost, you don’t have a functioning cardiovascular system, you shouldn’t be able to get hard.”

“I shouldn’t be able to talk either given my lack of functioning lungs, and yet here I am.”

“I think… I think I wanna suck it,” Holden whispered.

“Good. Good to know you haven’t changed a bit.”

“Can you just kneel over me right here? I don’t know if I can get up.”

“Sure, baby,” Miller said, brushing a stray bit of Holden’s hair out of his face. “You sure you’re not too tired for this?”

“Won’t be the best blow you’ve ever gotten, but I can probably blame it on the whole ghost thing.”

Miller straddled Holden, his knees on either side of his head and his hands pressed against the wall. Holden propped himself up on a pillow. His eyelids felt heavy, but he couldn’t back out now. He wanted this, and he was pretty sure Miller wanted it too. If this was Miller, and if he could want.

Holden reached up and unzipped Miller’s pants, almost surprised at how real it felt. He pulled them down just slightly over the curve of Miller’s ass so he could more easily free his cock from his underwear. Holden stuck two fingers into Miller’s waistband, starting to pull his underwear down. Then he caught a glimpse of what was beneath them, and quickly pulled his hand away.

“What the _fuck_ ,” he hissed.

“You having second thoughts?” Miller asked, running his hand through Holden’s hair. Holden let him, allowing himself to fade into the touch. It felt good, comforting.

“I… I don’t know. I want to do this, I really do, but the thing is… it’s _glowing_.”

Miller looked down to see for himself, pulling his shorts as far down as they went so his whole cock was exposed. His dick was emitting some kind of bright blue glow, white lines like veins crossing its vibrant length. Something like tendrils sprouted from its base, thin little protomolecule threads winding an inch or so up his shaft. A couple blue fireflies flitted around it as if they’d been trapped in his pants and were freed along with his cock.

“How… why… what is this? What did it do to you?” Holden stammered.

“I guess it gave me some new equipment,” Miller said, as calm as could be. “That gonna be a problem?”

“I mean, it definitely should be. But I still want it.”

“How do you know this isn’t gonna do weird shit to your mouth?”

“Because I’m still convinced none of this is real. Besides, now I’m kind of curious how it tastes.”

“Go on then. Have a taste, sweetheart.” Miller pushed Holden closer to him so that his forehead rested just below his navel. Holden took a deep breath before dipping down and taking the tip of Miller’s glowing cock into his mouth.

“You okay?” Miller asked. Holden nodded, gently licking and sucking the tip in his mouth. It didn’t feel weird. It didn’t taste weird either, but he could definitely taste it. It was like a punch to the gut—memories of kneeling before Miller and sucking him off just like this, teasing at first before slowly taking his whole cock into his mouth and sucking like his life depended on it. The taste of Miller’s dick, the feeling of it against his tongue, the warmth of its presence in his mouth, it was all a reminder of how things were before Eros was destroyed. Before the love of his life was thrown into the burning atmosphere of Venus. And now here was Miller, or something that looked like him, dangling something that looked like a chance to have that life back in front of him.

Holden grabbed onto Miller’s hips and pulled him in closer, taking his dick deeper into his mouth. The tendrils at the base tickled his lips.

“I dunno if I should say this, but I can see the glow coming from your mouth.”

_Of course you can,_ Holden thought. _Your weird alien dick is in it._

“How’s the new equipment treating you, anyway?” Miller asked, easing in and out of Holden’s mouth. Holden nodded again, whining in approval.

The tip of Miller’s cock hit the back of Holden’s throat, and he moaned.

“Jimmy, baby, you’re so good,” Miller whispered, lacing his fingers through Holden’s hair and pulling him up onto his cock just a little bit more. The tendrils flared outwards, rippling as if hit with a gentle breeze. Holden assumed this was something like a pleasure response from the alien anatomy. He sucked harder, watching them wave slowly, aligned like perfectly choreographed dancers encircling Miller’s glowing cock. Even the blue glow pulsated as Holden worked his tongue over the thing. It was beautiful, in only the way something so horrifyingly unnatural could be.

“This must be the weirdest cock you’ve ever sucked, huh,” Miller said with a laugh. Holden nodded, still diligently working Miller’s alien dick in his mouth.

“I’d hope not the worst though, right?”

_Far from it,_ Holden thought. The blue glow and swaying tendrils were mesmerising. Out of curiosity, he reached up to grab at Miller’s balls, squeezing them gently and watching with delight as they emited a soft blue glow, fainter than his dick but still fascinating. He rubbed them softly as he sucked Miller off, watching the gentle pulses of light coming from them. It was incredibly weird, weirder than anything he could’ve ever imagined taking part in, and yet he was incredibly turned on by it.

“God, you’re too good to me, Jim,” Miller muttered, his voice now audibly wavering. He was close. Holden gave his balls a generous squeeze as he took in his cock all the way to the base, fighting through the odd tickle of tendrils against his lips and the discomfort of the tip rubbing the back of his throat. He knew he was good, he knew how much Miller loved the feeling of his lips around the base of his cock, his tongue trailing obscene licks over its length. Miller let out a low, desperate moan as his grip tightened in Holden’s hair.

A flash of blue light burst from his cock, nearly blinding Holden, and with it came the familiar sensation of cum dripping down the back of his throat. He opened his mouth, letting Miller’s cock slip out, almost disappointed to see it no longer glowing. The protomolecule tendrils clung to it once again, relaxed, and the flesh still appeared tinted blue in the darkness of the room. Miller swiped his thumb over Holden’s lower lip, wiping away the cum dripping from his mouth.

“I don’t think my cum’s blue,” he said. “I dunno if that’s disappointing or reassuring.”

“Considering it’s probably going to disappear along with you when I stop seeing things, I guess I’m disappointed it’s not a little more exciting.”

“Come on, you really still think I’m a hallucination? After all that?”

“No way was that real,” Holden replied, shaking his head. “It was amazing, of course, but I still think there’s no way it was real.”

“It’s as real as anything else you think you see. Or feel.”

“So you’re going to get cryptic again? Even after I made you cum like that?”

“You got a good mouth, Holden. Unfortunately this is the best thing you’ve managed to use it for.”

“Is it really that unfortunate? You seemed to enjoy it a lot.”

“No, I loved it. It’s gonna be unfortunate for you though.”

“Can you at least go away and let me sleep now, if all you’ve got left in your system is doomsday prophecies?”

“Hey, they sent me here to warn you, not get my alien cock sucked. Though had I known about it before I might’ve made a formal request to add it to the itinerary.”

“So how does the protomolecule feel about you… fucking me?”

“I suppose it’ll have to get over it. ‘Cause now that I’m back, I’m gonna have to make up for all the time I spent not fucking your mouth while I was gone.”

Holden sighed, shutting his eyes. Maybe he was just really tired, but that didn’t sound so bad.


End file.
